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Singer Jessica Simpson performed in Florida recently looking noticeably heavier. Fox News ran the headline: “Jessica Simpson Shocks Fans With Noticeably Fuller Figure.” The singer accentuated her weight gain by wearing a super-tight tank top and high-waisted jeans accessorized with a leopard print double-belt. The outfit looks like it was designed to land her on the worst-dressed list. 

The always attention-starved Ashlee Simpson leapt to her sister’s defense, calling media reports “embarrassing and belittling to all women.” Said Ashlee, “I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight.” Simpson’s former trainer, Harvey Pasternak, also stuck up for the star, saying, “She has curves where a woman needs to have curves. We all go a little bit up and a little bit down. But she’s healthy.”

Twenty-four-year-old Kelly Osbourne has checked herself into rehab for a third time. The news comes shortly after Osbourne was arrested for slapping a gossip columnist at a London night club. The writer apparently insulted Osbourne’s fiancee, Luke Worrall. (The couple is pictured above.)

Osbourne was treated for an addiction to painkillers at age 19, then checked into a facility again a year later. This time we’re not sure what the substance of abuse is, but mother Sharon Osbourne promises that Kelly will divulge all after her release. Sharon added, “We just pray that everything’s going to be OK.”

In other Osbourne family news, the unconventional crew returns to TV this spring in Osbournes Reloaded, a variety show debuting on FOX.

Six Degrees of Paris Hilton, by Mark Ebner, is a book that comes out in February. It aims to expose the even-sleazier-than-we-thought private lives of “the new Hollywood.” It features profiles of a crew of D-listers and sleazeballs, including Tara Reid, Simon Rex, Joe Francis, and of course, Paris Hilton. Ebner depicts the heiress as a pot-smoking racist who was complicit in the leaking of her infamous sex tape with Rick Solomon. The book alleges that as long as she saw some $, Hilton was fine with One Night in Paris going public.

In fact, it seems she enjoyed being filmed to a creepy extent. Ebner describes some “secret” tapes that Hilton took of herself, and they show her making out with boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw, smoking pot, and cracking racist jokes with greasy oil heir Brandon Davis. She even films herself at her grandmother’s funeral, more intent on capturing herself on video than on the eulogy.

Last October, Joaquin Phoenix bid a not-so-fond “Bye! Good” to acting. He announced he’s ditching the movie biz in order to focus on his music career, more specifically his rap career. Ben Affleck’s little bro, Casey, is set to chronicle his friend’s adventures with his video camera. Affleck plans to direct a documentary feature on Phoenix, which will begin filming during Phoenix’s first public performance at a Las Vegas club. It all sounds like a big prank, but get this: Phoenix’s new rap album is reportedly being produced by P. Diddy.

Many fear that Phoenix is heading down a self-destructive path with his latest unconventional career move. The actor underwent treatment for alcoholism in 2005, and reports have him partying heavily since launching his rap career. Pics like the above, in which Phoenix sports a ladies’ hair clip and a crazed expression, have raised a few eyebrows. The actor has long had a reputation for being eccentric though. Check out the first minute or so of this video:

Ouch! Katie Holmes glamglamGLAMS it up in the Spring ad campaign for Miu Miu. Miu Miu is the cheaper, ready-to-wear line from the Prada fashion house created by Italian designer Miuccia Prada. Holmes is the latest face for a collection that’s seen a host of celebrity models. Previous Miu Miu muses include Selma Blair, Kirsten Dunst, Lindsay Lohan, and Johnny Depp’s wife, Vanessa Paradis.

Many have pointed out similarities to Holmes’ pal Posh Beckham, who also sports a short ‘do and a fiercely robotic expression. New York Magazine calls Holmes’ look “repressed and glazed-over,” which is pretty damn accurate. But for a certain set of models that’s the norm, no? 

Angelina Jolie reportedly “dissed” Ryan Seacrest at the Golden Globes yesterday. Seacrest attempted to score an interview with the actress and Brad Pitt, but the golden couple sailed past him, oblivious to his chirpy appeals. Let’s imagine the scene because it has a lot of dramatic potential. Short, yappy Seacrest goes into internal convulsions when he spots Brangelina from a distance, wafting along on their separate plane of existence. He tries to keep his cool. He has a history with Jolie. He attempted to engage her in red carpet banter at the 2006 Golden Globes, but the actress was distant and cool in her responses. Her mother, Marcheline Bertrand, was dying at the time. He takes deep breaths and recites his calming mantra. He fingers the Xanax in his suit pocket and calls out to the pair in what he hopes is his typically casual, tv-friendly manner. 

But poor Seacrest is invisible to Brangelina; he hasn’t done enough humanitarian work to register in their line of vision. They stride past in slow-motion like the ultimate prom king and queen, while Ryan the lowly band geek scampers after them to get signatures for his yearbook. They aren’t snubbing Seacrest, it’s just that they can’t see or hear him. To Angelina, he’s the equivalent of a gnat, a pesky buzzing sound that’s soon drowned out by the waves of inner peace that roll out from under her billowing grecian-style gown. She is held aloft in the tower of her own aura, and can’t make out the small dog pissing in excitement at the base of her grandeur.

Today Seacrest spoke about the snub on his KIIS-FM radio show, saying, “I don’t think Angelina thinks I’m that important… I don’t think I’m top of mind for Brad and Angelina. I honestly don’t believe they’d know who I was…”  

Yesterday I wrote a post dedicated to the evils of Megan Hauserman, a reality TV villain most recently seen in Rock of Love: Charm School. Today I found this clip of the show’s reunion special, which aired last Sunday. Megan always upped her game, becoming extra-obnoxious in Sharon’s presence, and during the reunion she’s in full antagonism mode. Drunk and in her teeny bikini, she insults Osbourne’s husband Ozzy and brings out the wrath of Sharon. (Hadn’t she seen Ozzy’s Behind the Music? Sharon’s tough as nails.) Like any lady, Mrs. O. has thought of the possibility that she will lose her cool and planned accordingly. She retaliates by dousing Megan with a sticky-looking pink drink that’s been hidden behind her chair. Megan squirms like a melting Barbie before being carted off-stage by security. 

Hauserman filed a police report after the taping, alleging that Osbourne grabbed her hair and scratched her. Really though, when you walk around practically naked, you’re asking for some scrapes and scratches! The world has sharp edges, idiot! I don’t care if you’re on a reality show, think about hygiene. Maybe no one wants to sit on the couch your bare ass touched! Sorry about that, Megan really does bring out the worst in human nature. Anyhoo, enjoy your Jerry Springer moment of the day.

If you watched Rock of Love: Charm School or I Love Money, you probably recognize the above blond as Megan, the ultimate mean girl. She’s the evil cheerleader you went to high school with who savored every moment of her reign as Babe/Ditz/Bitch Supreme.

In reality, Megan Hauserman graduated from the University of Illinois with a degree in Accounting. It is only through her immersion in reality TV that young Megan realized her potential and evolved X-Men villain-style into the conniving Playboy model we know today. She started out forgettably enough on Beauty and The Beast, then tried to seduce Bret Michaels on Rock of Love.  She learned fast in this toxic cesspool, feeding on the mousy and over-the-hill.  She grew tanner, breastier, blonder and taller, her smile more fiendish. 

Megan in Charm School was at the height of her powers, bikini-clad and constantly conniving, eyeing everyone with a smirk of derision. As one of the Brandys noted, she always had a look on her face as if noticing an unpleasant smell. Every good villain has props, and Megan’s was Lilly, a chihuahua she clutched Paris Hilton style, like an accessory.

When asked about her aspirations on Charm School, Megan said she didn’t really see herself working. VH1, always on the look-out for good female role models, heard Megan’s plea and decided to help her. Rich gents should be thrilled to know that casting for Trophy Wife is underway. Says the VH1 description, “Looking for the ultimate Trophy Wife? Reality TV Star and Playboy Cybergirl Megan Hauserman is looking for a man who will shower her with love and money. If you are a single man with the net worth of $1,000,000 or more, then Megan would love to meet you. Whether you are a CEO or a TRUST FUND BABY, she would make the perfect arm candy for any man…who can afford her!” Watch out boys, this arm candy’s spoiled rotten.

Heather Locklear was arrested last September for allegedly driving under the influence of prescription drugs. I didn’t know this part, but according to ABC News, a former Us Weekly reporter called 911 to report that Locklear appeared intoxicated and was driving erratically. The reporter proceeded to take pictures of Locklear’s arrest, and later sold the photos to TMZ.com. What a helpful lady!

Alcohol was ruled out as a factor but the former Melrose Place star tested positive for prescription drugs. Now Locklear has plead no contest to the lesser offense of reckless driving, and the DUI charges have been dismissed. She was sentenced to three years probation and a $700 fine. Locklear’s lawyer, Blair Berk, has defended a crapload of celebrity clients in the past, including Mel Gibson, Kiefer Sutherland, Locklear’s ex Richie Sambora, and Mackenzie Phillips. He truly is the patron saint of celebs in legal trouble.  

The second season of Flight of the Conchords premiers January 18th at 10. Thanks to the show’s popularity, you can already watch it on HBO’s website. This episode finds the boys firing manager Murray, whose success with Crazy Dogs has come to end after the band’s breakout hit is discovered to sound exactly like a 15-year-old Polish song.  While Murray moves into his car, the boys record a jingle for Femident, a woman’s toothpaste. They also appear in the commercial, emerging from toothpaste tubes in darling, pink-striped toothpaste suits and hats. As in the first season, the characters break out into elaborate musical numbers. Murray, played by Rhys Darby, delivers an especially stirring operatic vocal reminiscent of Pavarotti. Enjoy it yourself here.