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Perez Hilton used to look like the above, but thanks to diet and exercise, the celebrity gossip blogger has turned into a skinny minny! Perez made a Valentine’s Day appearance on E!’s Chelsea Lately, and the mofo was looking svelte! Dressed in a festive fitted red shirt and a choker, Perez dished on the Jonas brothers, Madonna, and the infamous mother of octopulets. Hilton once purposely dressed the buffoon in outlandish and tacky get-ups, but now he’s got a figure to show off. He’s still a fan of dyeing his hair–as you can see, he’s blond one week, brunette the next–but he’s ditched the rainbow shades for a more adult look. See the gossip gangster on Chelsea Lately here.

If you watched Rock of Love: Charm School or I Love Money, you probably recognize the above blond as Megan, the ultimate mean girl. She’s the evil cheerleader you went to high school with who savored every moment of her reign as Babe/Ditz/Bitch Supreme.

In reality, Megan Hauserman graduated from the University of Illinois with a degree in Accounting. It is only through her immersion in reality TV that young Megan realized her potential and evolved X-Men villain-style into the conniving Playboy model we know today. She started out forgettably enough on Beauty and The Beast, then tried to seduce Bret Michaels on Rock of Love.  She learned fast in this toxic cesspool, feeding on the mousy and over-the-hill.  She grew tanner, breastier, blonder and taller, her smile more fiendish. 

Megan in Charm School was at the height of her powers, bikini-clad and constantly conniving, eyeing everyone with a smirk of derision. As one of the Brandys noted, she always had a look on her face as if noticing an unpleasant smell. Every good villain has props, and Megan’s was Lilly, a chihuahua she clutched Paris Hilton style, like an accessory.

When asked about her aspirations on Charm School, Megan said she didn’t really see herself working. VH1, always on the look-out for good female role models, heard Megan’s plea and decided to help her. Rich gents should be thrilled to know that casting for Trophy Wife is underway. Says the VH1 description, “Looking for the ultimate Trophy Wife? Reality TV Star and Playboy Cybergirl Megan Hauserman is looking for a man who will shower her with love and money. If you are a single man with the net worth of $1,000,000 or more, then Megan would love to meet you. Whether you are a CEO or a TRUST FUND BABY, she would make the perfect arm candy for any man…who can afford her!” Watch out boys, this arm candy’s spoiled rotten.

Thirty-four year-old actor Joaquin Phoenix recently announced his retirement from Hollywood.  He said he plans instead to focus on his music career. What music career, you ask? Well, he played Johnny Cash in a movie, so I guess that makes him part-musician. Now it seems Phoenix is making a documentary of his transition from actor to musician.

Hmmm, smells like a ruse to me. The former actor did an impromptu rap performance in Culver City, CA, which was filmed by his buddy (and partner in crime?), Casey Affleck. Click here to see it. Defamer is calling the whole retirement thing “bullshit” and Phoenix’s scruffy bluesman get-up looks like it’s for a role. Maybe he and Affleck got sick of reading scripts and decided to make their own movie? Way to be proactive, boys!

In a recent interview with Maria Menounos, Lindsay Lohan described the President Elect using what sounded like an out-dated and many would say quite offensive term. She says the word so fast that you’re kinda like, “Did she just say… the word I think she did?” Maybe she meant to say “of color” but took an ill-advised short cut? Too many valiums that day? Watch the clip here.

Oscar winner and singer Jennifer Hudson recently celebrated her 27th birthday in L.A. During the festivities, boyfriend David Otunga proposed and a rep for the star confirms that the two are engaged. So who the hell is David Otunga? you ask. He appeared in VH1’s reality show, “I Love New York 2,” on which he was known as “Punk.” If memory serves, I believe Punk was one of the more “sophisticated” gents brought onto the show by New York’s insane mother. He did, after all, graduate from Harvard Law School, but still, he vied for the affections of this lady:

Hudson and Otunga do have something in common in that they both hail from Chicago. But really, Jennifer Hudson needs to stop and think about this. It’s in the celebrity handbook that Oscar winners do not marry reality TV stars.

Kay McConaughey, actor Matthew’s mother, just released a book of memoirs that seems designed to shock. Called I Amaze Myself!, the book already has people gasping. In it, 77-year-old Kay reveals that Matthew’s father, who died in 1992, passed away while they were having sex. She tells Us Weekly, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him… But it was just the best way to go!”

When Kay was sure her husband was dead, she had the paramedics remove him as is–butt-naked. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she adds. I’m sure the neighbors appreciated ole Jim as they never had before. 

Son Matthew’s eccentric behavior–playing bongos in the buff, brushing his teeth while driving, planting baby placenta–seems a little more understandable now.  And doesn’t his brother go by the name Rooster? Looks like proud wackiness is a family trait!

Mary-Kate Olsen has been spotted with one of the Madden bros in NYC this past Tuesday night. It’s hard to say if this is Joel or Benji Madden. Benji seems to favor a bald look, while Joel enjoys the Samantha Ronson-style hat, as seen here: 

It’s a funny twist of fate if this is Paris Hilton’s bf Benji chillin’ with MK, as the Hilton sisters have a history of stealing MK’s boy toys. For example, in 2006 MK dated Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos.

The pair shared an interest in flirty trampolining. Niarchos met Paris through MK, and he soon dumped the twin for the heiress. MK was crushed, and it is rumored that the botched love affair prompted her to drop out of NYU.

Before Niarchos, MK dated David Katzenberg, son of the co-founder of DreamWorks.

Ahh, what a dreamworky pair they made. Now David is dating not Paris, but Nicky:

I know, kind of creepy, right? I guess MK’s talents lie not only in trendspotting, but also in eligible bachelor-spotting. If by chance this is Paris’ former boyfriend Benji Madden, I say kudos to MK! Way to turn the tables, lady.

This week’s Life & Style reports that Lindsay Lohan is thinking about converting to Judaism to be closer to girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Ronson’s family is Jewish, and Catholic-raised Lindsay recently updated her Facebook profile to say that she is converting to a new religion. 

However, Linds’ friends know her too well. A source tells the mag: “Two years ago it was Kabbalah. Last year it was Alcoholics Anonymous. She was into ‘peace’ for a while. Whatever is of the moment, that’s Lindsay.” The so-called friend continues, “The one thing it does show is her commitment to Sam. She could be any religion and Lindsay would be open to it.”

Here’s the happy couple laughing it up on the way to temple:

Tila Tequila has recently stepped out with her latest catch, fellow reality TV personality Courtenay Semel. Semel is the daughter of a former Yahoo CEO and a friend of Lindsay Lohan’s. In 2005, she appeared in E!’s Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, a reality show starring children of the mega-rich.  I never watched the show, but apparently Semel impressed viewers with her bratty behavior. Wrote one commenter on the IMDB message boards, “This young lady is brilliant in her ability to make me want to watch her, while at the same time [she] makes me want to slap her… I think she’s the hottest ugly chick I’ve seen.” I’d say that’s a glowing endorsement for a reality TV star!

Semel recently dated Casey Johnson, the great granddaughter of the Johnson & Johnson founder, aptly nicknamed “the Band-aid princess.” That relationship seems to have ended though, as Semel has lately been seen clubhopping exclusively with Miz Tequila.

It’s not every day you get celeb news as outrageous as this. Apparently Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and her father engaged in a little father-daughter bonding at the Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos, where they inflicted bodily harm on fellow travelers. Blonksy and her father were reportedly arrested at the airport after getting into a fight–or “brawl” as US Magazine called it–with a woman and her daughter. The woman was so badly injured by the Blonsky family rage that she was flown to Miami for medical treatment.

Could this story get any more bizarre? Yes! MSNBC is reporting that former America’s Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden made an appearance, and that it was in fact her mother who was airlifted to Miami. According to MSNBC, Golden tried to take a seat occupied by the Blonskys, who refused to move their luggage. We can only imagine the battle that ensued, but in the end Nikki and Bianca were charged with actual bodily harm, while Papa Blonsky was charged with grievous bodily harm. So I guess things got kinda physical, huh? Nikki and Bianca were both released on bail, while Nikki’s father remains in custody. Nikki was spotted today in court, wearing a neck brace, but it looks like Bianca’s poor mother suffered the worst.

The moral of the story? Don’t ever travel without your gun.