lickyrlolli

Kim Kardashian is featured on the cover of the April/May issue of Complex magazine. Unluckily for her, it seems that a pre-photoshop pic of the star accidentally landed on the magazine’s web site. Sharp-eyed writer Bucky Turco of Animal NY spotted the less-than-perfect image of Kardashian on Complex’s exclusive web gallery.  The site promptly yanked it, but not fast enough, as a number of gossip sites got hold of it first. You can see before and after above. Photoshopped Kim is smoothed, slimmed and lightened into the sex goddess extraordinaire we expect. The real Kim, however, is a woman.  A woman with thighs. Enough said!

Anyone who’s had an awkward exchange can appreciate this post. Actor Jake Gyllenhaal and recent Amazing Race contestant Mike White had lunch together today. The paps caught them post-meal and documented each second of their long, awkward farewell. Let’s break it down:

First, Mike initiates a fist bump:

which Jake mistakes for a handshake. No matter, he easily goes from paper to rock (so suave) but now Mike’s not so sure.

 By the time their hands collide, each has gone over to the other side. Oh the sweet folly of life!

The exchange ends with Mike grasping onto Jake’s fist in a gesture that says, “This unlikely friendship will last…” 

 ”…because I will not let go of your hand…”

“…even as you strain to pull away.” I bet they’re glad the photogs caught every detail of what looks to be the early stages of a friendship. But seriously guys, plan ahead next time, will you? Decide on a form of goodbye beforehand, it saves a lot of trouble.

Meghan McCain, 24-year-old daughter of senator John McCain, recently went after foaming-at-the-mouth right-winger Anne Coulter in her online column. Sister conservative Laura Ingraham responded by attacking McCain on her radio show. Ingraham called McCain “just another Valley Girl gone awry,” and went on to say she was rejected from the Real World because “they don’t like plus-sized models.” (And let me just say, Ingraham clearly doesn’t know reality TV because that doesn’t even make sense.)

McCain was quick to respond to the jab at her weight. She appeared on The View today and fired right back, saying, “I’m a political writer on a blog, and all of a sudden I’m too fat to write?” On a side note, look how bony Ingraham and Coulter both are.

 Maybe they’re so mean because they’re both really really hungry? Read Meghan’s written response here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-14/the-politics-of-size

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been showing up in a lot of unlikely places lately. She recently visited with Oprah to discuss her post-pregnancy work-out routine, and appeared on chef Mario Batali’s PBS series Spain … on the Road Again. Does Paltrow find herself with a lot of spare time on her hands suddenly? Is she loosening up a little? Well, maybe, but these appearances also signal that Paltrow is transitioning into a new phase of her celebrity. With an upcoming cookbook and a gym opening in TriBeCa, the star is poised to move into Martha Stewart and Oprah territory. She even launched a lifestyle website, Goop.com, which bears the tagline, “Nourish the Inner Aspect.”

The site has gotten serious flack from critics, however, who have a hard time buying Paltrow as the next big lifestyle goddess. Says Gwynnie, “I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it….I think that people like people to stay in their ‘box’ – they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them.” Or maybe they thought your recipe for banana-nut muffins sucked?

Perez Hilton used to look like the above, but thanks to diet and exercise, the celebrity gossip blogger has turned into a skinny minny! Perez made a Valentine’s Day appearance on E!’s Chelsea Lately, and the mofo was looking svelte! Dressed in a festive fitted red shirt and a choker, Perez dished on the Jonas brothers, Madonna, and the infamous mother of octopulets. Hilton once purposely dressed the buffoon in outlandish and tacky get-ups, but now he’s got a figure to show off. He’s still a fan of dyeing his hair–as you can see, he’s blond one week, brunette the next–but he’s ditched the rainbow shades for a more adult look. See the gossip gangster on Chelsea Lately here.

Jennifer Aniston recently revealed to Marie Claire that she has saved tapes of ex-beau’s voicemail messages. Said the star, who turns 40 next week, “It’s like saving love letters.” The confession doesn’t seem all that freakish or startling to me, but it unleashed a torrent of anti-Aniston feeling on the web. E! Online called the admission “oversharing” while the New York Post deemed the star an “aging schoolgirl.” NY Post’s commentors were full of nasty confessions of their own. Wrote godblesstheusa76, ” i find her to be sickening, and wholly unattractive….i really dont see why people think she’s all that…she really isnt… she’s a self centered spoiled b–ch.” Wow! That’s just un-American!

Singer Jessica Simpson performed in Florida recently looking noticeably heavier. Fox News ran the headline: “Jessica Simpson Shocks Fans With Noticeably Fuller Figure.” The singer accentuated her weight gain by wearing a super-tight tank top and high-waisted jeans accessorized with a leopard print double-belt. The outfit looks like it was designed to land her on the worst-dressed list. 

The always attention-starved Ashlee Simpson leapt to her sister’s defense, calling media reports “embarrassing and belittling to all women.” Said Ashlee, “I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight.” Simpson’s former trainer, Harvey Pasternak, also stuck up for the star, saying, “She has curves where a woman needs to have curves. We all go a little bit up and a little bit down. But she’s healthy.”

If you watched Rock of Love: Charm School or I Love Money, you probably recognize the above blond as Megan, the ultimate mean girl. She’s the evil cheerleader you went to high school with who savored every moment of her reign as Babe/Ditz/Bitch Supreme.

In reality, Megan Hauserman graduated from the University of Illinois with a degree in Accounting. It is only through her immersion in reality TV that young Megan realized her potential and evolved X-Men villain-style into the conniving Playboy model we know today. She started out forgettably enough on Beauty and The Beast, then tried to seduce Bret Michaels on Rock of Love.  She learned fast in this toxic cesspool, feeding on the mousy and over-the-hill.  She grew tanner, breastier, blonder and taller, her smile more fiendish. 

Megan in Charm School was at the height of her powers, bikini-clad and constantly conniving, eyeing everyone with a smirk of derision. As one of the Brandys noted, she always had a look on her face as if noticing an unpleasant smell. Every good villain has props, and Megan’s was Lilly, a chihuahua she clutched Paris Hilton style, like an accessory.

When asked about her aspirations on Charm School, Megan said she didn’t really see herself working. VH1, always on the look-out for good female role models, heard Megan’s plea and decided to help her. Rich gents should be thrilled to know that casting for Trophy Wife is underway. Says the VH1 description, “Looking for the ultimate Trophy Wife? Reality TV Star and Playboy Cybergirl Megan Hauserman is looking for a man who will shower her with love and money. If you are a single man with the net worth of $1,000,000 or more, then Megan would love to meet you. Whether you are a CEO or a TRUST FUND BABY, she would make the perfect arm candy for any man…who can afford her!” Watch out boys, this arm candy’s spoiled rotten.

No matter what you think of her fashion sense, Mary-Kate Olsen seems like a fun gal. This December she’s been spotted out and about enjoying the season in her two favorite cities, New York and L.A. She’s a true city girl, appearing at art openings with artist beau Nate Lowman and a posse of hipsters at wine-glass littered tables. 

Lately she’s gotten into the Christmas mood. Here she leaves Bardot nightclub in west Hollywood sporting festive Santa sunglasses. Stars like Paris Hilton seem to have every aspect of their clubbing attire tailored to the trends, whereas MK doesn’t hesitate to show her sense of humor with a kooky accessory.

MK also got some wholesome exercise in NY while iceskating with pals.

Whoa, don’t fall! Not at all a demure ice princess, MK looks like a regular gal on the ice, even with the paps documenting her every slip and slide. I get the sense that MK can handle (and might even enjoy) a wipeout or two; she’s tougher than she looks.

Don’t even bother turning on the TV to see what’s on. You already know: reality shows involving women sobbing to Sharon Osborne. Reality shows with annoying people racing through different forms of public transportation in search of a clue. Reality shows where people compete to be the biggest personality in fields ranging from fashion to cooking to real estate.

Now with Jay Leno taking over Primetime NBC, we may not even be able to count on Law & Order, one of the last remaining examples of the hour-long drama. I’ve started renting DVDs from my public library. Go for a series, like Slings & Arrows, Wire in the Blood or Brideshead Revisited. There are tons of quality series out there to fill your need to be entertained, and unlike films, they last for more than a night. Other great series I’ve enjoyed are Friday Night Lights, and now I’m looking into The Wire. Just a suggestion to get you over this unpromising season.